


Permanently

by fanfiction_trashpile



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo - Freeform, Kylo Ren - Freeform, this is a sad one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22192072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfiction_trashpile/pseuds/fanfiction_trashpile
Summary: Inspired by ELF's permanently. (selfish poetry)
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader





	Permanently

_**I love you, careful creature.** _

“Ben.” you fall to your knees, looking up at the face of the scared boy.

“Join me or die. Chose.” the words would chill you if they weren’t coming from him, tear-striken and shaking. In the blue light of his lightsaber, you search his eyes for the yellow of the Sith. His eyes are still his.

“I’m coming with you.” 

He reaches out and you take his hand, letting him pull you to your feet, “We have to run. Mom…” Ben shakes his head, “Leia will come when she feels that Luke is dead.”

“Luke is…” you try to hide your confusion.

“Come on. We have to leave.” 

“What about the others?” 

“Dead.” he drags you from the rubble. 

You have to save him, and you can’t do that if you join the others.

You have to protect him.

**_Badly. I_ _ncorrectly._ **

He’s sitting beside you, mask on your bed. You haven’t seen his face in… you don’t know the last time you saw his face. Years ago?

“Ben.” you murmur, voice cracking in your dry throat.

He shushes you, bringing a cup of water to your lips, “Rest.”

You cough on the water and for the first time, you notice how your ribs ache, “What happened?” looking down at your hands, you see the deep bruising and thin cuts, lacing up your arms. 

“The rebels. They…” he ducks his head, pain playing across his tired features, “They have a Jedi. The defected stormtrooper we found on Jakku. You were hurt…” he meets your eyes and you see a jagged cut across his eye, “I didn’t want anything to happen to you. I brought some trees down around you so he wouldn’t find you, but I lost control. I’m sorry.” 

Leaning back against the pillows, you close your eyes, “I could have helped you.”

“I know. I know and I… I was scared.” his voice breaks and you feel him lay his head on your stomach, his hand searching the sheets for yours.

You feel his tears and lift a hand to his hair, gently, slowly, gently.

“I’m sorry.” his shoulders shake.

“It’s okay.” as you speak, he turns his face to look at you, eyes clouded in tears, “Ben, it’s alright. I’m okay.” 

_**And I want you, loveless leisure,** _

You watch him board his ship, surrounded by the Knight of Ren in all their red, polished glory.

It’s hard, having to stay behind. Ben insisted you wait until you’re fully healed to do anything in the field. You hate having to leave his side. Gone are the days of you trying to bring him back to the Light. Now, you just want to keep him alive.

As his ship leaves the Destroyer, you hear his voice in your mind, “Stay safe.”

It’s all you’re permitted. A simple wish.

“You too.” you project. 

Never enough.

If you told him how you really feel…

Even as the small voice in the back of your mind screams to be heard, screams that he wants you too, you turn back into the ship and resume your duties. Your mission. Keeping the rebellion alive without anyone figuring it out.

Including Ben.

_**To want me,** _

You throw your hands out, sending Ben flying backwards and out of the way of the ship that comes barreling through the side of the ship. Turning to the troop carrier, you engage your saber, standing alone.

The fire starts the moment the door is down. You sent the laser bolts back into the ship, the mishmash of fighters scattering.

A Jedi stands among them, eyes fierce in the light of his blue saber.

He’s good. A challenge. You strike his arm, his calf, no real damage but enough to slow him down. You don’t want to hurt him but he doesn’t know that.

You hear Ben call your name.

In the time it takes you to find him in the rubble, you feel a sharp pain at your side.

Blue light.

Reflected.

In Ben’s eyes.

Ben’s hands.

Hands. 

Hands around you.

Arms around you.

Fire around you.

A wall of fire.

Fire inside you.

Fire reflected in his eyes.

In your side.

In your arms.

In Ben’s eyes.

Crystal clear eyes. 

Crystals in his eyes.

Falling from his eyes.

Falling.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

Don’t be sorry.

It’s not your fault.

Ben.

Ben.

Hands shaking.

His hands are always shaking.

Find his eyes.

“I’m here. I’m here.” 

His eyes.

Striking eyes.

Struck down.

“Stay with me. Stay with me. Hey… hey. I’m here.” 

Panicked voice.

Panicked eyes.

“I’m here.”

You aren’t. 

You are somewhere else. 

But he’s there.

He’s always been there.

_**Permanently.** _


End file.
